Darryl James
While men are ostensibly less complicated than women, there are still some basic issues that some women seem to have difficulty understanding. In another Black Top Ten List, I'd like to present some things that women should understand about how men operate.
Top Ten Things To Understand About Men:
1. Silence is sometimes very golden.
We don’t always want to hear how stupid you think our actions may have been, or what you would have done in the situation. The rule of thumb is to listen unless we actually ask for your opinion.
You don’t always have to force your views on us when we are talking, and you don't have to make certain that you are heard on every issue, every time it comes up. If you say something too many times, it is no longer "reminding." It becomes nagging.
2. Learn that a toilet seat in the "up" position is a good thing.
Trust me, if we leave it down, it can turn out very, very bad. We understand that you need it to be down, so you should understand that we need it to be up. If we can take the time to lift it, you can take the time to lower it. Neither one of those positions is more important than the other, so please take a look before you back that thing up.
3. Learn to keep your man separate from your girlfriends.
It’s probably a good rule of thumb to avoid telling us what your girlfriends say about us. Chances are that if they don’t like us, we don’t like them either, unless one of them is hot and we want to do her. Birthdays, our wedding and other special occasions are appropriate to have us together. Otherwise, you should probably just hang out with them, date us and keep them out of our mix.
4. Let us know if you want someone to listen or someone to help you solve the problem.
We may be the perfect match for you, but mindreading is still out of the question. Some of us are natural problem solvers and if that isn't what you want, just say so. It may actually relieve a man to know that he isn't expected to "fix" everything.
5. Stop trying to force us to like the things you like, and/or to be the things you are.
I don't necessarily subscribe to the whole Mars/Venus thing, but there are some fundamental differences between men and women. That's a good thing. Your girls will enjoy shopping with you--we will endure it.
We won't cry when you do, and please don't ask us to watch "Sex & The City" reruns. Even the most emotionally healthy of us will not respond to things the way women do. This is okay. We may not cry when you do, but if we understand and accept your emotions, things are good.
6. Speak to us in a language we can understand.
We don’t really know what a size 7/8 is—you got your gift in the right size because the saleslady was built like you. And, no, we don't know what the hell chartreuse is, nor do we care.
7. Trying to get men to decipher your shrouded desires is just not productive.
Contrary to what you tell each other, men don't always like mystery. Take the guesswork out of things. Just speak plainly, saying what you want and what you need. There are no valid lists of things that men should just "know" about women. You confuse us with those fake lists. If we love you, we just want to know what you want.
8. Stop pretending men are wrong for wanting what we want.
If you don't want the same things, or don't want to give them to us, say so and we can keep it moving. For example, if we want sex a lot, you may not be open to it, but it doesn't make us wrong. You don't have to smoke cigars, come to the golf course or watch all the games with us and we may choose to be with you over doing those things, but we're not wrong for liking them.
9. Don’t ask a question you don’t want the answer to.
If you’ve gained weight and you know it, we know it too. If your hair looks silly, but you like it, roll with it and don't ask us, unless you want to hear what we think. Don't ask, don't tell--if you don't ask, we won't tell.
10. Pay attention to what you say and don’t be angry when we do the same.
Telling a man that you don’t want a relationship, for example, is a mistake if you really do want one after having sex with him. And, if you say that "nothing" is wrong, don’t be angry when a man acts like nothing is wrong.
So, there you have it. Men, forward or print this out and present to the women in your lives--especially the ones who keep sending you lists about understanding women. Add to it, if need be.
Women forward this to your girlfriends. Let them know that it was actually assembled by a man.
- Darryl James is an award-winning author and is now a filmmaker. His first mini-movie, Crack, was released in March of this year.
- James’ latest book, "Bridging The Black Gender Gap," is the basis of his lectures and seminars.
- Previous installments of this column can now be viewed at www.bridgecolumn.com. James can be reached at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it..